Lurid account of the initiation of a naive pledge into a fraternity of questionable character…
I guess it was just vanity,
Or youth’s naive insanity;
Whatever impulse led me through that door
The youth I was returned from thence no more.
An opportunity too hard to pass–
Big Man on Campus–I would get some ass.
If I had only known, oh what travail!
It’s true at least I ended up with tail.
“I can tell you’re just our species, bro;
Come pledge at house of Kappa-Upsi-Rho.
Running with the pack and chasing puss;
That’s the fun you’ll have. Come rush with us!”
There was a coldness in his steely stare
That chilled me to the tailbone; oh beware!
But I was all agog to join his crew;
I didn’t know he led the loup-garous.
I joined their rush week, suffered through their hazing;
It was easy stuff, not so amazing:
Crawl on hands and knees and fetch a bone;
Find my way with blindfold and alone,
Watch the brothers eat and drink, and beg
For scraps they dropped on floor by table leg.
At last the final evening had arrived,
The climax of the week I had survived.
My brothers made each pledge put on a hood
And then they drove us deep into the woods.
They walked us to a copse of barren trees.
The air was crisp and blew a foggy breeze.
They let us take our masks off, none too soon.
Above the trees there shined a liquid moon;
Its pallid fingers reached between the branches
To paint each one of us with silver blanches.
The leader of the pledge-week devilries
Then started us upon our revelries.
He gave to each of us a frothy mug
That bubbled over with a liquid drug.
“Now begins the final passage rite;
You leave behind your former self this night.
Tonight we roam together as a pack,
From this point on there is no turning back.
Now drink this potion, down it to the lees.
It’s guaranteed to bring you to your knees.”
We drank the foamy brew as he had said.
The potion swam at once up to my head.
The silver glow above became much brighter,
And weary limbs and head became much lighter.
Looking up, I noticed that the moon
Now smiled directly down on tree-lined room.
The giant orb looked coy as though to say:
I’ve waited for this moment many days.
It wasn’t long that I stared at the moon
Before with sickness I began to swoon.
The potion that had felt so light before
Now felled me in a heap on forest floor.
My body started aching every place;
My stomach turned and heart began to race.
My head began to pound with fearful pain;
I swore I’d never drink that stuff again.
Our frat tormentors laughed at all our woes:
“We welcome you to Kappa-Upsi-Rho.”
I cursed them as I lay in agony;
What monsters were this freak fraternity?
But even as the cuss-words left my lips
I felt a sudden springiness of hips,
And everywhere that I had felt a sore
Now felt as it had never felt before.
My nose began to riot and compelled
Me to investigate a canine smell.
Nobody else remained inside the copse of trees,
Only pack of wolves surrounding me.
Now it was I noticed I’d grown paws
And cuticles had lengthened into claws.
The leader of the pack then barked at me;
His bark I understood, which startled me:
“You’re members now of vulpine brotherhood,
Reward for all the trials you’ve each withstood.
No ‘hunt the snipe’ or giant gunny race.
Tonight we run, we jump, we pussy chase.”
Everything from there was just a blur,
The vaguest hints of dirt and flesh and fur.
The next thing I remember, it was dawn,
And I woke up alone, with nothing on.
I laid there naked, shivering on the ground
No outward signs that I had been a hound.
The only evidence of where I’d been
Was cat hair that was stuck my teeth between.
Now ever since that fateful night so strange,
Each month I spend a night on wooded range,
Disporting in activities vulpine
Enough to last for all those weeks between.
So now you know what lies in store for you
If you accept the pledge and drink the brew;
Think carefully about their pledge-week spiel;
Or cats will be your monthly full-moon meal.