Do You Hear What I Hear?

Parody of famous Christmas carol, Do You Hear What I Hear?

Christmas feast inside us did we cram.
Tell me, is the bog free?
Coiled up inside, Christmas ham,
Hurry, make the loo free!
A shart, a shart! It’s turned into a shite:
This pig from my butt’s taken flight.
This pig from my butt’s taken flight.

santafilledthebog

Another massive feast did we enjoy.
Do you hear what I hear?
Yuletide puddings have my colon cloyed;
Now they sing from my rear.
The bog, the bog, when will it be free?
I’m prairie-doggin’ mightily.
I’m going to pass a frickin’ tree.

This is from my latest insult to the written language: Corrupt Carols

Free if you have Kindle Unlimited. Cheap otherwise (99 cents).

rhymeintimeblog.wordpress.com

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Ritual Sacrifice

Here’s a tanka (syllable count 5/7/5/7/7) for Colleen (The Faery Whisperer)’s Tanka Tuesday challenge:

Verdant creature cropped,
For sacred holiday chopped,
Corpse on my car flopped,
With drip-pan fragrant blood sopped,
With smiling angel I top.

(Disclaimer: Most years, the wife and I buy a fresh Christmas tree and enjoy the fragrance of its sap.)

New book on Amazon! Free Thru Monday 11/26!

Happy Thanksgiving! Starting now thru Monday 11/26, you can download my new collection of snippy verse, Corrupt Carols, from Amazon for free. The book is a Grinchly anthology of parodies of popular Christmas carols. (Note: Contains  adult themes).

If you enjoy the book, please leave a product review!

After 11/26, downloading the book costs money (but only 99 cents).

Thank you! And to everyone in or from the U.S., have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Vampires of Lugnano

First published on https://poetscornerblog.wordpress.com. By a weird quirk (not my intent) it somehow became sticky there, possibly to the annoyance of other posters,  and to unstick it, I had to unpost it (make it a draft). Normal options did not work. But it was Liked enough to keep it posted somewhere. 🙂

Deep in sleepy Umbria,
Entombed in gravel pit,
The corpses of a host of children
Rot amidst the grit.

vampire_burial_skull-uanews

A thousand years and more they’ve lain
Inside this soul-less grave,
Blameless victims of a plague
Whom physic could not save.

Bound inside their thready shrouds
From fear that they might stir,
Their curse-less mouths were stuffed with stones
From feeding to deter.

Undisturbed they might have lain
Until the world’s demise,
But now an archaeologist
Unearths them–now they all arise!

The dust-clad waifs shake limbs from shroud
And spit away the stones,
Awake with gnawing hunger
To re-flesh their fetid bones.

En masse they set out for the town
On human blood to binge.
Insult of a thousand years
These vampires shall avenge!

Inspired by these articles about stones placed in corpses’ mouths, ostensibly to prevent them from returning and feeding upon the blood of the living:

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/10/15/italy-child-vampire-burial-eerie-ritual-prevent-malaria/1645690002/
http://www.comune.lugnanointeverina.tr.it/po/mostra_news.php?id=457&area=H
https://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2010/02/100226-vampires-venice-plague-skull-witches/

(image from: https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2018/10/15/italy-child-vampire-burial-eerie-ritual-prevent-malaria/1645690002/)

 

음절 바다 (Syllable Sea)

선생님은 한국어가 매우 쉽대요!
학생들은 단어에 빠져 있어요.
음절 바다에서 익사할 지 몰라요.

Slightly loose translation, in order to rhyme:

Korean’s very easy, teacher said;
Submerged in words, the students water tread.
In vowels and consonants we might drown instead!

Note: This effort was corrected and verified by a native Korean speaker and instructor. If you also study Korean, you may have noticed that Google translate tends to give mixed results.

 

Now Cheaper: ‘Erecting a Limerick’

Slightly older and now cheaper (just like me…)

If you just can’t get enough of my shite, here’s a slightly older effort, now price-aligned to match market reality. (Yeah, dropped the price.)

This book breaks down the deceptively simple limerick meter, elucidating the often overlooked variations. To make it simple again, the variations are shown clearly in an easy-to-read table.

And of course, some of my own original smart-ass compositions are included. The only way to have more fun for 99 cents is a single brewskie or maybe a trial subscription to a porn site. But this will make you laugh, without the hangover or carpel-tunnel syndrome.

As always, leave a review on Amazon and I’ll mention you in the next work (if you wish).

-Dan (Rhyme In Time)

Now only 99 cents–such a bargain!

Call my work cheap, will ya? Too true. And now it’s even cheaper!

If you almost sorta maybe kinda almost wanted to throw a bit of charity this way (buy a book) but the price was too steep, now they’re cheap(er)! There are no barriers to entry left, loyal reader!

Each of these are great reads in the crapper–for example, while escaping a boring holiday party or the afternoon doldrums at work.


http://www.amazon.com/Passings-Stew-Dumplinz-ebook/dp/B075Q3LGJK


http://www.amazon.com/Happy-Hellidays-Rhymes-Holiday-Horror-ebook/dp/B075VZK32Z

And they’re cheaper than a 7-eleven chili dog, just as full of cheese, and no unkinder to  your bowels. Pretty please?

Leave a review on Amazon of either and I’ll even mention you  in the next book (if you so wish). Could be fun!

My profuse and heartfelt thanks for your continued readership,
-Dan (Rhyme In Time)